Jessi (our 5 year old daughter) is very sensitive, I'm sure I've mentioned that. It's a good thing and a bad thing... she is very tender hearted spiritually, but also very volatile and quick to fly off the handle. We have been working on this trait through discipline, training, Bible memory and other ways, and really she has improved.
This morning, I printed off some coloring sheets for Joy (age 2.5) and Jessi wanted some too, Joy asked me if I would make Jessi a coloring paper and I said sure and I *assumed that Jessi was behind me and heard me say this. So I turn around to the computer and start to pull up the files so Jessi can choose a picture... I hear loud paper crumpling and Joy start crying. Jessi had snatched Joy's coloring sheet out of her hand and balled it up and ruined it!
I was aghast and asked her what on earth she had just done!? She said that Joy wouldn't give her the picture that she wanted, so she ruined it. Honestly, I was too mad to deal with her, it would have been out of pure ANGER and not corrective, and I'm afraid I yelled in anger too (yes she comes by the quick temper honestly...) and told her that was the most selfish brattiest thing ever and go to her room!!
I sat for a minute to calm down and got ready to go deal with her. It took a few minutes (I was HOT) so I printed out papers for Joey and then was about ready to go to her when Jessi came out crying SO hard.
I was not very compassionate I'm afraid, and asked her what she was crying about, and she stammered out that she was sorry for ruining Joy's picture and being bad.
Ok...my dilemma. I'm sure that she WAS sorry, and not even sorry just because she knew she was about to get trouble, but really sorry... she loves Joy and Joy worships her and for her to do that to Joy was SO out of character. However, I was annoyed that by crying she was turning this around and it was all about her--Joy came over and hugged her and comforted her and I think she was expecting me to do the same.
I did not.
I told her that I was glad she was sorry and I forgave her, but she needed to go back to her room and pray and tell Jesus what had happened and ask him to help her build her walls (referring to her memory verse about self control) and then when she was done crying she could come back out and tell Joy she was sorry.
Here is my question... I realize that one of the weaknesses of the super sensitive personality is to find some sort of weird pleasure in the guilt that you feel and then enjoy the crying and moaning and then finish it up with the emotional "high" of being forgiven. I do NOT want Jessi to develop a habit of indulging in such behavior. I do of course understand that often tears accompany penitence and repentance, but other than saying "she's my kid and I can see this turning into something ugly" I just can't explain why, just that I truly see this as a slippery slope.
I really wanted to tell her to stop her bawling and if she was REALLY sorry, just to make sure she practiced self-control next time, I didn't because I didn't think it would do much good.
Am I making any sense? How much of the crying and guilt and sorrow do I allow? How much of the crying and guilt and sorrow is actually just another part of her ultra-sensitive personality? Even as I write this it seems so harsh to say that I don't want to allow her to cry when she is sorry for doing wrong... I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm trying to prevent a twisted enjoyment of her guilty feelings.
The upside to her sensitivity is that Jesus is as real to her as I am, that she prays with faith that is amazing, and that she is quick to see the needs of others. The downside is... well, all of the previous part of this post- a quick temper, an enjoyment of "vain imaginations" such as worst case scenarios of sadness or in this case, guilt, and being too sensitive to imagined slights by others.
So... words of wisdom? Success in training a personality like this? Am I on the right track or am I just a mean mommy who doesn't get that some people actually have feelings (I am SUCH a non-girly girl!)? Talk to be about this please!
Please understand that I am not trying to "break" her personality, merely to mold it and train her... no one likes "those" kinds of women, and I don't want her to grow up to be one. I do appreciate the personality that God created her to have and have been touched (as have those around us who know her and our family) by her faith and prayers. Also, please understand that as far as imagination...I am the poster child for this, I'm not talking about normal (or even beyond normal) childhood imaginary games. I'm talking about vain imaginations that get our eyes off of reality and into a pattern of worry and despair.
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8 comments:
Right off the bat I'd like to say that in my opinion you did so many things right! Immediately removing her from the situation so you could both calm down was such a very smart thing to do. SO many times when I haven't done that I've regretted what I said right after - calming down first and thinking rationally is always a right move when we find ourselves very upset.
And I also think that listening to your Mom intuition that there is something more going on is such a wise thing to do - I truly believe God gives us insights into our childrens personalities that we dare not ignore. I'm so impressed that you didn't make excuses for her and just stated the facts as they were. I get so tired of parents making excuses for their kids bad behavior. I think if I hear "oh, she/he is just tired" one more time when a child is throwing a fit I'll puke! Kids can act differently when they are tired but if a parents finds themselves saying that constantly for bad behavior they really need to stop and think.
OK, off that bunny trail...as a former highly emotional (my parents used to say I had two sides of my personality - I was either extremely happy or in the depths of despair) and way too sensitive child I think I might have a couple of suggestions. I didn't have the hot tempered part but the rest of what you said describes what I was like in so many ways. It's funny now looking back on some of my childhood because now I HATE drama and I'm so even tempered I think I might sometimes border on being boring - ha! So hopefully there is light at the end of the tunnel and hopefully we grow out of the bad parts of what goes along with that...at least for the most part. Not that I'm perfect by any means. "-)
One thing I thought of almost right away is, if she has been sent to her room how about her having to stay there until you come in - instead of her being able to come out for her emotional fix with the whole drama, crying part? Maybe then by the time you have arrived a few minutes later you'll have both calmed down - and then she has had to do the whole crying thing without any audience or someone rushing over to comfort her. I clearly remember that when no one was around to actually see me crying it wasn't very fulfilling - boy does that sound silly now but it's the truth.
If you don't go in to her room until she has stopped crying, and only then after the crying is done do you enter and talk about her offense - and if she starts crying (there is a difference in repentant crying and the hysterical crying of a drama queen) then you leave until she gains control again and then return - she might begin to learn to control her emotions in the right way if there is no one around to admire her handiwork...so to speak. "-)
I personally think you were very wise to send her back to her room with the instructions that you did as it showed her that even sincere crying and being sorry does not get one out of what she had just done a few moments before but that there were still consequences for her actions. I see kids (and mine have tried it too) using the tears and I'm sorry to get out of trouble and their only goal is to keep from being punished. Then there isn't a whole lot there to make them stop and think about what happens if they do it again next time when that method works for them.
I've begun to notice a pattern in our 7 year old of wanting an over abundance of sympathy for every single bump, scrape and stubbed toe until I realized we were encouraging a wimp. She doesn't get hysterical or anything but the pity party was getting to be too much. I am now working on getting her to realize it's all part of life and we all probably hurt ourselves in one way or another every day but we just give the bumped area a rub and say ouch and keep going! I do not want to encourage drama queen actions in any way shape or form and I believe girls have the tendency to head that way so easily. But at the same time I do need to balance that with the right amount of kindness and sympathy when something really does hurt. Finding all those right balances can be overwhelming at times can't it?
I loved your last paragraph - I remember hearing that whole "you have to break your childrens will" so often from people when I was a kid and it wasn't until I was in college that I heard the "you need to mold your childrens will, not break it" theory which made so much more sense!
This was a very honest, from the heart post and some of what you said helped me as well. I'll be interested in reading what other advice you get as I thing collecting advice from Moms going through, or having gone through stuff, can be so helpful to all of us on this Motherhood journey.
Thanks Mary Ellen, I appreciate the comments and YEAH that you have outgrown the drama queen part and are "boring" now--there is hope!
She was *supposed to have stayed in her room, but I think I left it too long, so that is my fault. What you said about not allowing her an audience makes sense too. On the other hand, I also don't want to allow her to stay in there and sulk alone for too long either. When I sent her in, she was not crying, just MAD. Then I think that when it struck her what she had done, she started up the crying bit--that is where I get stuck... I DO think she was sorry, but I also DO think she was enjoying her guilt and sorrow a bit more than she needed to.
You said, "as it showed her that even sincere crying and being sorry does not get one out of what she had just done a few moments before but that there were still consequences for her actions." and I SO appreciate that! Sometimes I am stumped at what to do for consequences. In this case, we talked about how much she had hurt her baby sister's feelings by crumping up her picture, how she had just taught Joy to have a good fit, and then of course, she did NOT get to color princess pictures with Joy. I really try to make consequences go with the offence, at least as much as possible.
As a former emotional and sensitive child... what sorts of consequences would have made an impact on you? We are trying to address this from both a spiritual side and a behavioral/action side. I never assign Bible verses as a punishment, but present them as a wonderful way that God gave us to defeat the devil who wants us to lose our self control. This approach works SO well and has curbed a lot of this behavior. I do still think though that there is the occasion for consequence/punishment. I just don't "get" that personality.. I had almost too much self control, as in, I could choose to obey rule a, b, and c, just so that no one would notice or suspect me of breaking rule d, the one I really didn't want to follow. So I could use input from emotional types about what would really speak to her.
I thought I might just leave it to the experienced mothers to give you advice. But, I've been a child myself and remember doing the crying-drama-seeking-for-sympathy-and-comfort fits. Besides crying out of actually being sorry or crying to get attention...I can also recall the feeling of... I have really displeased my parent and feeling like I was totally cut off. Still to this day I sometimes get that nagging feeling inside if I do something that I find Gary isn't too pleased with...that horrible feeling of possibly being cut off and not being loved any more. It's not actually true. My parents still loved me after my wrong doing and Gary still loves me when I mess up. But, I can't help getting that feeling once-in-awhile. It's a insecurity issue that I think needs to be dealt with at a very young age. I think that even while you are trying your best to mould her personality and behaviour into not being a cry baby or drama queen...that you also make sure she knows you will always love her....no matter what. It's not about pleasing you to keep your love. It's just simply about doing the right thing.
I should also add...
Because you don't want this whole situation to switch to it being all about Jessi and her becoming the victim...because it was actually Joy who was the victim. It might be a good idea to have Jessi and Joy talk to each other about what happened and how they both feel. I don't know if Joy is old enough to communicate your feelings. But, if Jessi could see what she did and how it affected Jessi.
Okay...that's enough from me the non experienced child free person. :/
"that you also make sure she knows you will always love her....no matter what. It's not about pleasing you to keep your love. It's just simply about doing the right thing."
Anita, that is a great reminder! Especially with her tendency toward drama and worst case scenario, she already sometimes tries to delve into the "no one loves me" stuff. Oh let me tell you that is one that sends you RUNNING to God for instant discernment! Sometimes I feel very impressed to comfort her and other times I feel very sure that for this time, I am supposed to reprimand her for lying--since she knows that a LOT of people do love her. Ey, seeking balance!
" don't know if Joy is old enough to communicate your feelings. But, if Jessi could see what she did and how it affected Jessi"
You know, that is a GREAT idea... only a few days ago Jessi got out of bed and came to me to talk about something that Joey had done (told her he wasn't going to play with her ever again) and how sad it made her. At the time I talked to her about that we know its not true, Joey will play with her again, but how this is a good way to remember how hard words can make someone else sad and she needs to remember how sad she feels right now the next time she wants to use hard words. PERFECT timing! I will remind her of how sad she was the other night and see if she can indentify with how sad Joy must have felt to have her big sister treat her so mean. THANKS!
Guess I wouldn't make to bad of a mother. But, doggies, kitties and the entertaining squirrel who steels from the bird feeder in our tree will be the only ones benefiting from my love and disciplinary skills.
Ugh - I posted a LONG response and then my internet signed off on it's own right as I went to post it. I don't have the heart to try again and loose it, can you send me your email (RHUFF99217@aol.com) and I'll email it to you so I don't have to worry about a repeat?
Anita - you don't have to be a Mom to have great ideas, like you said...you were a child too once. I enjoyed reading what you had to say.
wow. I am so glad I am not the only parent who have issues such as this one going on. Kids are sooooo smart!!! They know just how to accomplish things for their benefit. Parenting is not easy by no means but I think you are doing a super job. You hang in there and always follow your heart. I've been doing this for almost 22 years now and it's something new everyday. The Bible speaks of our training our children in the right way and when they become old they will not depart from it.I've oftened wished the bible was a little clearer of a road map for dumb parents like me.I'm like you, I want to know exactly what to do and most of the time it's just a simple following your heart.I asked my Skyler just this moring why he was so bad and he replied to me that we were mean to him. I asked him why he thought we were mean to him and he said because you sometimes spank me. I told him that we loved him and that is why we sometimes have to spank him for being bad. Thats really hard to explain to a 4 year old but I do know he knows how much we love him.That is very evident when he comes up to me in the evening and says" Mom will you please rock me"? He so often during the day will say" Mommy, I love you"! Most always it catches me off guard and just melts my heart.God knows what we need all along the way. The journey is not easy but the rewards are great. You are doing a good job and your children are blessed to have you!!!!
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