It's been a while since I posted anything. Our family has been going through somewhat of a hard time and I was hoping to be able to post some good news. Instead, I am posting a bittersweet testimony of God's matchless grace and goodness.

Thank you to those who missed me and wrote to ask if everything was ok, I appreciate your care and concern so much.

Tiny Baby J

I struggled with how to write this in a manner to be appropriate for anyone to read; I struggled with sharing it at all as it has been a private pain that we only shared with a very few people over the past month.
However, God has been so faithful, so good. He has given strength, peace and comfort. I would be remiss if I did not Praise Him for all he has done.

July 2- I had been having some perplexing physical symptoms for a few weeks and a friend suggested that I take a pregnancy test. I was really sure that I could not be, so it was quite a surprise when I immediately got a strong positive result! Now, I like to think of creative ways to tell my husband that he’s done it again, but this time, he was home and taking a nap so I had to work fast and use whatever I had on hand. I grabbed a Tshirt for Joyana, used some markers and drew a baby on it with the words, “Not the baby anymore!” I put it on her and when he woke up a short time later , asked him to take her potty. He saw the shirt and we got excited; another blessing on the way!

July 3 -It wasn’t until the next morning that it dawned on me that the things I had been going through were not necessarily compatible with a healthy pregnancy. I talked to a friend and decided I should put in a call to my midwives and request a visit.
After talking with the nurse on call, they decided that the best course of action would be for me to go to a local lab and have blood drawn so we could start a series of quantitative HCG tests. I went in and had my first lab drawn.

July 4- It was hard to go through the holiday not knowing what was going on and not knowing whether we should share our news with family. We decided not to,mainly because I had no idea about an estimated due date and that is the first thing everyone wants to know.

July 5- Got a call from the OB/Midwife office with my first results and instructions to go into the lab again for another test. The first results really didn’t mean anything because the whole purpose of the quantitative test is to see if the levels go up appropriately or drop.


July 6- Got the second results. The levels went up, but not quite as much as they should have. I’m to go in on Tuesday for an Ultrasound.

July 10- The scan shows a sack in the uterus so that rules out an ectopic pregnancy. That is good news. Got another blood draw to keep tracking the HCG levels.

July 12 – They called and would not give me the blood results over the phone, but said that the doctor wanted to see me tomorrow instead of a week from now. This is not a good turn of events.

July 13 – The HCG levels went up, but not enough. The scan showed no change at all in the sack. The doctor is also concerned about a cyst, it’s quite large and she isn’t sure what it is. Not a good visit. The doctor told me that she was sure I knew by now that this was probably not going to have a good outcome and I had a few choices. I could wait and see or I could induce the miscarriage. Please understand that inducing a miscarriage is NOT an abortion. It is sometimes medically necessary to give the body a message that the pregnancy is over but your body hasn’t recognized this.
I decided that I needed a longer wait, this was not enough time between scans to be SURE that I had miscarried. I would return on July 24th.

July 14-23 This is so hard... I FEEL pregnant, I have every symptom of pregnancy. I thought I was resigned to the loss, but my hopes are really going up. Every day is a different challenge, it’s fun to be nauseous and tell Jeff, “sorry, you have to cook dinner” but then I remember that it might just be that my body hasn’t gotten the message yet. Jeff is amazing, so sweet and tender, as though if he takes good enough care of me, he can change the outcome.

July 24- I’m so nervous, Jeff can’t come with me to the appointment so Dean is coming to take care of the kids. Oh no, I arrive and the desk clerk tells me that I don’t have an appointment! I tell her that I most certainly DO, she figures out that when they called me to come in earlier (back on the 13th) it canceled my future appointments. She told me that the doctor was 1.5 hours behind and this was really not a good day. I told her that I was having complications and that I WOULD see someone TODAY. The rest of this visit was bad. Upon arriving, I had parked in a Dr. parking spot after circling the lot 5 times, so after waiting a while, I went back to the desk to ask how long it would be (so I could go move my car!) and she decided to get me off her hands by sending me to the back---only I was still a good hour down the line. So, she must have told the intake nurse that I was being “difficult” because this nurse was AWFUL. Rude, blunt, just awful. I then had to sit in the back for over 45 minutes... while poor Dean was watching all three kids out in the waiting room. I finally got to see the doctor who apologized profusely for the mixed up appointment.
The scan was bad as well. Not only was there no progress, but I could see the degeneration, it is obvious to me that there will not be a baby. That was very hard to take, but honestly, it gave me closure and helped me to accept the fact that the pregnancy was over.
The doctor told me that I did need to go ahead and induce the miscarriage before we faced the problem of infection or the need for surgery. I was so scared... the drug used for this is the same drug I had used to induce labor with my second child and that was truly the worse thing I have ever experienced. I got the medication and a prescription for pain medication and went out.

I should add here that we had not told the children anything, but that by this time, they had figured out that this was a “belly doctor” although not the midwife office “belly doctor” they are used to. When I came out from the back, Joey ran up to me, lifted my shirt and asked, “is there a baby in your belly?” I was just broken hearted but was able to keep it together and tell him “no, we are just coming to the doctor to see if my belly is healthy enough to ask God for a baby.”

I had a meeting this evening with a dear friend of mine who is my MOPS director (I am serving as the discussion group coordinator this year) so after our meeting I shared with her how immensely scared I was to take this medicine tonight. She prayed for me and prayed specifically that God would remove all physical pain and let me go through this thinking, “oh, was that it?”

I know it sounds crazy for someone who is a natural birth fan and advocate to be scared of pain, but after the emotions of uncertainty for over 3 weeks, I just felt like I could not handle it if I had to feel any labor-like pains during the miscarriage. I have to give God all the glory, I stirred a few times during the night thinking “I’m going to have to call the doctor in the morning and tell them it didn’t work” because I had no pain at all. In fact, the next morning I thought, “ Oh, is this all it was?” and then realized those were the exact words my friend had prayed for me.

July 26- My follow up visit. Unfortunately, the scan showed that I had not completed the miscarriage yet. Again, a choice to medically induce again or to face a D&C. I did not want to even think about the D&C, so chose to try the medical induction again. I am so depressed, I want this to be over, I feel like I haven’t even been able to grieve because I’m so busy with the logistics of all this. We are going on a month now and this has been one crazy and horrible roller coaster.
I feel the same fear coming upon me again... but again God is good and there is no pain. I’m to return in a week.
July 28- I’m concerned... I think that the next scan will again show that I’ve not completed the miscarriage. I do some research and decide to go with some natural alternatives. I do some pressure points and a controlled Vitamin C overdose. I have some stronger herbs in mind in case this still doesn’t do it. I stay up and walking all day.
It’s working.

July 31- My follow up scan. I feel confident that this time my body got the message. My pregnancy symptoms are gone as well. However, the scan was supposed to be week and again due to scheduling conflicts, the only available appointment is only 5 days from the previous one.
Thank the Lord!
The scan is clear, the cyst is dramatically shrunk and my innards are back to where they are supposed to be. Even my uneducated eyes can see this. The doctor is pleased with my recovery and I am able to share with her how through prayer, I was spared any physical pain at all, and she is amazed because it usually requires prescription pain medication to get through. I do not have to return, and we are given permission to try and conceive again in September.

August 2- Today has been one month from my positive pregnancy test. It’s been a long, confusing month.
One thing that I didn’t share at the beginning of the story is this: The morning of July 2, I felt so impressed to call a friend of mine to get some information from her about various health things. Now this is a dear friend but we NEVER actually talk on the phone... we end up playing phone tag and then just giving up and emailing. However, she was there and answered and we talked. I shared with her that I was concerned with my health and that we were hoping to add to our family soon and that I really wanted to improve my health first. She prayed with me and it was a very strong prayer; a prayer for us as parents and as a family, prayer for our desire to have a family for God, prayer for Jeff as he tried his best to be a godly husband and father, prayer for me and my body. This was one of those times when even while my friend was praying for me over the phone, I felt a strengthening come over me, I could literally feel God’s presence, both spiritually and physically. That afternoon I took the pregnancy test and there began this month-long saga. I truly know that God impressed on me to call her that morning, I did not know at that time, nor did she, but we needed God’s help in a special way to make it through the next few weeks.

I still don’t know how far along I was, none of the numbers and dates made any sense, the doctor says that my records will show a “1st trimester loss.”
I have always believed that life begins at conception and now I know it.
I have always felt so sorry when I heard of someone losing a baby but never truly understood it. There is a process of grief there that is so confusing; can you weep for someone you never knew or felt, or even heard the heartbeat? We are still working through all of this, but again, God is SO good and gives such comfort.
Those of you who know me, know I'm not a "Pollyanna", I know that life is sometimes hard and painful. The reality is that we live in a sin-scarred world and things are less than perfect. However, I also know the reality of a "peace that passes understanding" and that is what God has given.

I know that some of you have suffered multiple losses and truly, my heart goes out to you, I can not imagine. I do trust that God has ministered to you in whatever way you most need it.
I must say that having this drag out over such a long time was so extremely hard emotionally, but I would not change any of our decisions to wait and see. I’m thankful that God allowed me to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was ok to go ahead and medically induce. All of this together has blended into a time of bittersweet growing closer to God and to each other.